About a month ago as I was driving our moving truck from Córdoba to Alcora, I had a lot of time to think about life: where we've been and where we're going, what we're doing and why we're doing it. And as I was reflecting, I began to feel overwhelmed and pretty small in the midst of being a 'missionary in Spain.'
So the questions began to fly through my head: What am I doing here in Spain? Is it possible that I (a guy from a tiny town in Illinois) could be of any use to God and His desire to save Spaniards? What does it mean to be a church planter? In a town in Spain? I'm going to be a father soon--I don't know how to do that, so what kind of father will I be? And will I still be able to be a good and Godly husband for my wife? In a word, I was feeling lost.
But God, in His graciousness, had a word for me during that 7 hour drive. In the midst of the questions and the sense of being overwhelmed because of my lack of answers, I was listening to a Rich Mullins CD, his final one before his untimely death in 1997, called 'The Jesus Demos.' The first song on that album is called 'Hard to Get,' and near the end of the song there is a line that says, 'I can't see how You're leading me unless You've led me here, to where I'm lost enough to let myself be led...' And the Holy Spirit spoke quietly as my tears began to fall.
When we still lived in the States, I didn't realize just how much control I had over my life. Speaking, preaching, leading Bible studies, knowing who I was and where I was going--I pretty well could do it all on autopilot. But here in Spain, right here and right now, I feel so much more out of control. I still butcher Spanish on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis and still get nervous when answering the telephone. No, I don't know how to be a father, not to mention that I'm still working through some of my own father wounds at a whole new level. No, there is no guarantee that Spaniards will respond to the Gospel and that we'll have 'success' (whatever that is) in planting a church in Alcora.
None of my questions have clear, easy, definitive answers, and that's OK. I am here, God is walking with me through this time of change and uncertainty, and there is no doubt that He is leading me and will mold me through this new experience. I am, indeed, where God wants me to be, lost enough to allow Him to lead me.
If you're interested, below is a pretty good rendition of that Rich Mullins song by Phil Stacey:
